Obsessing

Recently something came across my inbox that I wish had not come. It was news about a person I used to be in relationship with and it just set me off. What I mean by set me off was that at 3am, I was not asleep. My mind raced over old details, over old hurts even over old pleasures. I thought I was over it. I thought I had totally moved on and so I was quite surprised to notice I was having obsessive thoughts about the old relationship. It got me thinking whether or not one ever really moves on when one has allowed themselves to love so totally and lay themselves so vulnerable inside a relationship with another. Is there ever a time when news of that other comes and it has no effect? I really don’t know.

I do know about the notion of completion. I learned it at Landmark Education years ago. Completion is a process whereby one says everything one needs to, to be complete with another or with a situation. And then one makes a declaration, “I am complete.” Of course, the test to whether one is complete or not is when the person or the situation is mentioned again either purposely or out of the blue, the person who made the declaration in theory should remain unaffected.

I have noticed over the years that I take more time to get complete than just the first or even second go around. I wonder sometimes if this is because I want to hold onto it for that much longer. Is it because my moon is in Taurus? Is it that I love to suffer? What is it? Often it takes me a few years to totally process something out of my system. And all too often, I play the scenes over and over and over again n my mind. I have listened to the masters say that I could let it go in an instant. But how?

I have found that since I began Tantra, I suffer way less. The amount of suffering in my life is miniscule compared to my life ten years ago. None-the-less, I was really bothered this time and I admit over the last ten years occasionally, something does set the old machinery into a spin.

This particular time, I was really frustrated with being up at 3am witnessing the obsessive thoughts. I also know that if I tried to resist, the thoughts would just get stronger. There’s an old expression, “What you resist persists.” So, I decided to invent a process that would work to release the whole damn thing as best I could in the middle of the night. Oh, and I might add here, that I have done enormous amounts of emotional release work about the breakup of this relationship and any other aspect of it that I could drum up. But, here it was again. I saw this situation as “the test”. I guess I still had stuff buried deep down inside me that was freshly coming up to examine again and see if I could surrender and then let go. So, examine I did. In creating this process, I was certain of one thing that was different for me than ever before, I wished to remain silent about it. Usually, in the past, I might call my best girlfriends and talk about it. But I became very clear that talking about it brings the person, situation closer into energetic proximity. In other words, rather than clear the unwanted thoughts, feelings, persons from one’s aura, talking about it attracts the very energy, I am seeking to release. So, I made a clear choice to be quiet about it and work it through by myself.

First I decided to deal with my shadow, the dark side of my thoughts. I wrote everything mean and bad I could think of in relation to this situation, this person, the other persons, the whole thing. I allowed myself to be so mean and nasty, it became almost funny. At some point, when I had gotten it all out on paper, I started to laugh at myself. “Wow,” I thought, “this really has affected you and it’s a test to see if you still care, if you still love, if you’re still attached.”

Second, I gave myself permission to write the good things about the situation, the more compassionate things relating to the current event and email I had received. I noticed that I was beginning to feel better at this point, but the body was still charged with energy.

Next I got out of bed and went into the living room and put on whirling music. I began to whirl and whirl for close to 45 minutes. When I stopped, the heart was racing, the blood was pumping, I was filled with my own vital life force. I lied down on the floor face down and just let everything rush through me. When I picked myself up much later, I felt clear and complete.

What to say about this? I can only imagine that there are still more layers buried down inside me. I will know when something, some unwanted news crosses my path again if ever. I will see if I am still being tested, (if I create a test for myself) and I will have a new process to do. I do not have to be afraid that it will happen again. Chances are it will. And I know that I will suffer less and less in my life. I see that I can welcome the tests as I welcome everything else in the unknown.