Sacred Mystical Union Relationship

Recently it occurred to me that I am no longer interested in a monogamous relationship. All my life I have been what some people call a serial monogamist, a person who goes from one monogamous relationship to another month after month, year after year. I have never been married. I have been engaged more than a few times, but when push came to shove in the final moment of truth, I always opted out. I was never quite sure why, but I knew I did not want to commit my whole life of love to only ONE other.

The other options offered to me by alternative lifestyles make me throw up at the thought. I cannot perceive of myself as polyamorous or as being in an open relationship - open relating. I cannot fathom swinging at Hedonism in Negril or anywhere else for that matter.

Please don't get me wrong. I am no prude and I'm not making those lifestyles wrong. They seem to work perfectly for people I know. Just not for me. I could never. I just could never.

So, what to do?

Well, slowly over time it has occurred to me that I am complete inside. What I mean by this is that I notice a decline in my sexual desire. I am no less hot. I have no less attraction to gorgeous men. It's just that I notice I don't have to have them. I don't care one way or the other. I am not attached. When I do have them (and I do), it's grand - so grand. But if I don't I still enjoy myself totally and I don't care. I love my alone sleep time. It's just not as important as it once was. My self-esteem is not hinged on their attraction to me. And even if they are attracted, I often as not say "No."

Upon further notice, I begin to identify the subtle changes in me over time after practicing Tantra for a solid ten years. What I've come to realize is that the feminine and the masculine energies in me have married, have merged, have united and becomne one in sacred union. In as much, I can see that the polarities that have merged within me have embodied inside what I was seeking always to accomplish on the outside over and over and over again.

I feel I am in a state of Sacred Mystical Union. I am married to myself on the inside. And so what I reflect on the outside is peaceful harmonious bliss - a total surprise to me every time I realize this as a possibility. It is such a foreign concept to the way I was brought up. I can hardly believe it and I must pinch myself as often as I can remember to. The proof is in the pudding. Men have told me recently that I was so hot and attractive to them because it seemed to them that I did not want them. It seemed I could have cared less. And the truth is that I could have cared less. So you can imagine when we got together, if we did, what a hot affair!

I don't know what to say about all this since it is really new to me, but what I can say so far is this: I am into the form of relationship I am calling Sacred Mystical Union. What that means to me is that I am married within myself. I need no other to feel loved and whole. I am in a state of love, loving. I will love those outside myself who I choose to love for one night, for one month or possibly for the rest of my life because I already love. I will not take a permanent partner as such because I do not want to limit my possibilities and go back to the old way of my thinking, my indoctrination. I just want to float in the unknown and see what happens.

I hope this communicates.