Thoughts On My Father - Not Pretty

I have just awakened in England with the anxiety of returning to the States and the thought that I have to go home to deal with the absolute domination of this shit head man over me. Even if he has early dimentia, he is still the arrogant prick that he has always been and more so now. He keeps making a mess of things after I bail him out over and over again. I see no end in sight.

Did I tell you that the man I met in India, the one who was going to come for the month of July and use biofeedback to restore my father will not be coming? He says he fell in love and ran off to Canada and then is going back to India. He told me a week ago after I planned July around him for the last six months. Good luck in relationship, Buddy. Breaking word in one place has huge ramifications in other places or so I'm told.

Have I shared that the loan I have applied for to help my father hasn’t gone through because it is just so difficult to prove that there is a real address on Fire Island and to ascertain the value of such a property once it is proven that there really is a house since there is no mail delivery and very few people sell so there are no comps.

I see there is no way to curb my father's arrogance. I must take the compassion I feel for him and the energy generated towards him and use it on myself. My life makes a difference in the world. His life make a sham of my life. I am setting a boundary with him. He feels to me like a vampire. Maybe this is how my mother felt in the end, that he was sucking the life out of her. Interesting thought.

The idea of going back there to him tomorrow is making me sick as I write this. When it comes down to it in the common sense, he is just a man. And as I see it, he is the original man who shit on me and he is the same man who keeps shitting on me. I almost don’t give a damn if he lives or dies anymore. I am pulling in the platter on which I catch the shit. I am walking away and he can continue to make a mess of things until I get him situated in assisted living. Then I can insure his life from as far away as possible.

Maybe my sister was right. Maybe biofeedback would not have helped our father in the long run anyway. We will not know now because I will not spend the time it would take to research and find out. I have spent all the time I am going to spend trying to help my father who does not want my help.

What I know is that I want my life back, all of it. My intention is set.