Sacred Mystical Union Relationship

Recently it occurred to me that I am no longer interested in a monogamous relationship. All my life I have been what some people call a serial monogamist, a person who goes from one monogamous relationship to another month after month, year after year. I have never been married. I have been engaged more than a few times, but when push came to shove in the final moment of truth, I always opted out. I was never quite sure why, but I knew I did not want to commit my whole life of love to only ONE other.

The other options offered to me by alternative lifestyles make me throw up at the thought. I cannot perceive of myself as polyamorous or as being in an open relationship - open relating. I cannot fathom swinging at Hedonism in Negril or anywhere else for that matter.

Please don't get me wrong. I am no prude and I'm not making those lifestyles wrong. They seem to work perfectly for people I know. Just not for me. I could never. I just could never.

So, what to do?

Well, slowly over time it has occurred to me that I am complete inside. What I mean by this is that I notice a decline in my sexual desire. I am no less hot. I have no less attraction to gorgeous men. It's just that I notice I don't have to have them. I don't care one way or the other. I am not attached. When I do have them (and I do), it's grand - so grand. But if I don't I still enjoy myself totally and I don't care. I love my alone sleep time. It's just not as important as it once was. My self-esteem is not hinged on their attraction to me. And even if they are attracted, I often as not say "No."

Upon further notice, I begin to identify the subtle changes in me over time after practicing Tantra for a solid ten years. What I've come to realize is that the feminine and the masculine energies in me have married, have merged, have united and becomne one in sacred union. In as much, I can see that the polarities that have merged within me have embodied inside what I was seeking always to accomplish on the outside over and over and over again.

I feel I am in a state of Sacred Mystical Union. I am married to myself on the inside. And so what I reflect on the outside is peaceful harmonious bliss - a total surprise to me every time I realize this as a possibility. It is such a foreign concept to the way I was brought up. I can hardly believe it and I must pinch myself as often as I can remember to. The proof is in the pudding. Men have told me recently that I was so hot and attractive to them because it seemed to them that I did not want them. It seemed I could have cared less. And the truth is that I could have cared less. So you can imagine when we got together, if we did, what a hot affair!

I don't know what to say about all this since it is really new to me, but what I can say so far is this: I am into the form of relationship I am calling Sacred Mystical Union. What that means to me is that I am married within myself. I need no other to feel loved and whole. I am in a state of love, loving. I will love those outside myself who I choose to love for one night, for one month or possibly for the rest of my life because I already love. I will not take a permanent partner as such because I do not want to limit my possibilities and go back to the old way of my thinking, my indoctrination. I just want to float in the unknown and see what happens.

I hope this communicates.

Freud 2006

This is a funny thing as I see it being a student of psychology and all. Read on.

As you may or may not know, I live on a remote island with my father - Fire Island. During the summer the island (which is a barrier reef to the southern shore of Long Island, NY is a twitter with beach foot traffic wanting to "par-tay", get down, and get the "absolut vodka" most of the eight week NY summer season. But September through May, this is a very desolate place despite the exclusive summer beat.

So here we are, we two, non-perfect housemates - father and daughter of questionable status - arch mortal enemies and total beloveds by anyone's standards even the non-psychological naked eye. The fact is that as much as I have hated my father over the years of my growing up through my adulthood and into my middle age, I have always known too, that I love him more than any other man in my life. Fucked right?

Why am I here with him? Who else would take care of this obnoxious man's needs in the hour of his memory loss? This all powerful narcissistic man is melting into one mess of missed synapses before my very eyes. But in the process of his meltdown, this being is becoming humbler and almost human, a person for whom I have the utmost compassion much as I think that somtimes I really would like to kill him. Time and age have softened him and made it easier on me. Thank Goddess.

The other day, all of this hits me in the face while I'm in the shower. All of a sudden I start laughing out loud. I mean hysterical laughing. Big laughing. Freud would be so proud of me. He would have a picnic, eat me for lunch.

I realized I have my father to myself!!!!!! Duh. My sister is on the west coast. My mother is dead. His girlfriend is safely tucked away on the mainland. And I realize I am here with him all the time. I have his undivided attention. I have him all to myself. I could fuck him (although I don't want to literally). Figuratively, I can and I am. Freud is rolling over in his grave.

Ta Da! At last Electra triumphs, not just Oedipus, but Electra the more complex female gender comes forth into her long underestimated glory.

And at that moment of "getting it," I realized that I am complete. I need to get the fuck out of here. I'm done. What a great feeling of freedom! The neurotic heart finding it's way home and then back out again. I am set free in that one spurt of shower laughter.